Rules of the house for pets

I saw this in one of the forums i frequent visit... hope this makes you smile somehow...

Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are your and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food..(Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest).

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating my to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I can fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. ( I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm ).

My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is no necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge to try and pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
( In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory ).

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats' butt.
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT PETS:

1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and or she is an adopted son or daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
5. Dogs and Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
cost a million dollars for college.